Archive for November, 2011


Yes, I am a Survivor

I am a Survivor of domestic violence.  (this year, I also became a suicide survivor when my partner committed suicide – but more of that another post). 

It took me a very, very long time to utter those words.   I’m not a huge fan of labels; and the label “Survivor” left an especially unpleasant feeling inside myself for a very long time.  In fact, I hated having that label attached to me in any way.  People would call me a Survivor as a way to praise my resiliency and to congratulate me on…. well…  surviving.  But, every time I heard this word, I would cringe. 

I finally sat down and asked myself what it was about the term “Survivor” that caused such a strong negative reaction in me.   What I eventually realized is that in classifying myself as a Survivor; I had to admit and accept those things that had happened in my life to gain me that title.  I couldn’t hide my struggles anymore.  I had to ADMIT that I was, in fact, an abused woman.   For a very long time, this was a shameful secret that I buried, from others as well as from myself.

In my family; we hid our pain.  I suppose we somehow thought that if we pretended everything was ok – it would be.  If we didn’t admit anything was wrong, then everything must be perfect.  This mindset followed me into adulthood; and was solidified during my marriage.  I became an expert at not facing reality.  I made it through each day by pretending that I wasn’t constantly afraid.  Putting on a face to the world that everything was fine.

It eventually dawned on me that in doing so, I was preventing myself from healing.  In denying that I was a survivor – I was denying myself the opportunity to STOP being a victim.

Now, I am honest about my life experiences.  I’ve removed the stigma that I had placed on the fact that I was a victim.  Instead – I am proud to say –

I AM A SURVIVOR.

Waiting

Waiting

 

 

You’ve given me everything;

And nothing.

 

You’ve shown me passion and drive;

Love, pure joy, and happiness.

 

But for what?

It’s all for not

It can never truly be.

 

But I want it so much

That I wait, and I lie

And I cry, and I die

A little more every day

That I wait.

 

I want to say “enough-

I can’t do it anymore”

But I can’t let it go.

 

God help me,

I can’t let it go.

 

I’m so tired of waiting

And hoping for something

That can never be.

 

Why don’t you set me free?
Please set me free!

 

Time

Time

I gaze down at this precious gift
That I hold in my hands

A gasp of terror leaves my lips
As I realize that little by little
It is trickling through my fingers
Like sand streaming through an hourglass

I want to hold tighter,

To somehow contain what is so dear to me.

But I realize that there is nothing I can do
Because time is not my friend.

All I can do is maintain faith

And gain courage from cherished memories.

Hoping that time will be kind to me

And not take away

My most precious gift.

The Clock is Ticking

 

The clock is ticking

Counting down the few moments left-

The Clock is Ticking

 

Before we say goodbye

And walk back to our lives.

 

I feel so unprepared,

Lost and afraid.

I don’t know how

To walk back to my life.

 

Tai

Tai

 

How did this happen?

It was so unexpected

Years of withholding,

No love to be found.

 

Then Tai flew into my life

One day in the Spring;

And with just one glance

Brought new meaning to me.

 

Our Journey

 

Three years ago

On this day;

We embarked on a journey.

Not knowing the destination

But neither could have guessed

Where we would be today.

 

Our journey is not finished-

It’s only just started.

My feelings are stronger

Than ever before.

 

We’ll conquer the demons

Which try to destroy us-

And climb all the mountains

That rise up before us.

 

When at long last

We have proven ourselves worthy

We’ll see paradise –

And everything beyond.

 

 

Ocean Breeze

 

Ocean breeze;
Sand sifting between my toes.
The waves crashing in front of me
Happiness washes through me
And contentment fills me.
For you are beside me,
And I can’t imagine experiencing more joy than this.

Later, I submit myself to you.
I want to experience everything with you.
I want to show you that you have all of me
Even though I can’t always express it.

We fall asleep, grudgingly.
We don’t want to miss even one hour
Of the rare time we have together.
We both know we’ve been given a gift

The next day, we have to part-
It feels as if I’m being ripped in two.

But, the memories sustain me
And make me hopeful for more days
Just as beautiful.

Loving You

Loving You

 

Love, shall we deny it when it visits us?

Shall we not take what we are given?

 

There is only this, all else is un-real.

 

What else is life but being near you?

 

Oh to be given to you, and you to me.

 

I will be faithful to you, and true.

 

In My Thoughts

 

In my thoughts;
You are always.
In my heart you never left.
With my body;
You are still in tune.

 
To my soul;
You remain connected.

 

I Wish I Could Let This Go

 

I wish I could let this go.

 

I wish I could unclench my fists

Which hold too tight to worthless hope;

 

And release the pain and regret

To drift away from me

Like a feather disturbed by a gentle wind.

 

How I hate this unseen presence

Which grips my heart and my mind

Each time I’m nearing acceptance of our fate;

 

And makes me reach out again

Knowing there is no hope.

 

My grip, nonetheless, tightens again

And won’t let go.