Archive for May, 2012


Choices

Choices

 

We all have choices to make

Yours was to die.

I‘ve tried to understand,

To not be angry, or question your love.

I hope that you can also

Accept my choice

To Live.

I’ve talked a lot in my blog about how the suicide of my fiance as affected me.  But; I’ve not talked about my own struggles or feelings outside of that experience. 

There have been times in my life where I have wished, for fervently, for everything to just end.  Things seemed too much.  Too dismal.  I just simply did not want to “feel” anymore; and the absence of the pain I was feeling seemed like the ultimate goal; the ultimate escape.

When I was in high school; I tried overdosing on pills.  I ended up throwing them up, and I was fine.  I don’t know that this was a true suicide attempt.  I think I just wanted to dwell, for a moment,  in the fantasy of dying.  At various other times in my life; I have made really poor decisions, dangerous decisions; because I just simply did.not.care.  So what if I did something to end my life, inadvertently. 

When I was a cutter; I never did so with the goal of committing suicide.  But; there was once that I, again, was on the precipice; if it happened, I wouldn’t have cared.  I took a bunch of pain pills, and I cut my wrists.  I crawled into bed and fell asleep.  I thought, maybe I wouldn’t wake up and that would be ok.  Obviously, I did wake up and there was hell to pay after that.

After J died; I was really angry.  Not because he had committed suicide (at first).  But because he left me behind.  I wanted, so badly, to join him in nothingness. Why did he get to escape the pain, and I had to live through it?  I was also mad at myself.  I knew that if I had not run away the day he pulled the gun out and put it to his temple; that he would have killed both of us.  Why couldn’t I have just stayed?  He would have done the hard work for me; and I would no longer be in pain either.  I even told myself that it would have been for the best.  I was through ruining lives and fucking everything up.  Everyone would be better off if I had gone down with him.

From what I understand; the loved ones of someone who has committed suicide are at a very increased risk of committing suicide themselves.  Believe me; I spent a lot of time wishing that I had died along with him.  But; I also knew what it felt like to those left behind.  I knew the pain, very intimately, that they went through.  I knew the guilt, the despondency, the helpnessness and hopelessness.  And so, I also knew that I could nevver, no matter how bad I felt, do that to anyone I cared about.

That has gotten me through a lot of rough days in the past year.  Days when I really didn’t think I could hold on.  Days where I thought that the pain inside of me was too much to bear.  Days when I would have giving ANYTHING to stop feeling what I was feeling.  Moments when I thought that it would be better for everyone if I just dissappeared.

As bad as my pain is; I will endure it.  Because I NEVER want anyone to feel the pain that I have felt.  That is what gets me through the hardest, most painful days.  I think of my children; of my family; and of my beloved friends; who have stood by me all of this time – and I just can’t do it to them.  Not after I know the reality of what a suicide does to those left behind.  Regardless of the pain I feel, or the hardships I cause in life; none would compare to the pain I would cause if I decided to voluntarily leave this world.

 

One Year Ago

One Year Ago

One year ago,

My life changed completely.

It took one single moment,

And I shattered into tiny little pieces.

I didn’t think that there was any coming back

From that one moment.

I thought,

There was no way that I could be made whole again.

A year later; everything is different;

And yet so much seems the same.

I’ve survived. 

Sometimes I’m happy about that.

Sometimes it seems too much to bear.

I still miss you.

I still dream about you.

I still have nightmares.

I still get angry at you.

I’m trying to move on;

But so much is still you.

Baby,

I want to move on.  I want my life back.

Help me, now,

A Year Later,

To find the way;

Back to myself

And to the future beyond.

Feeling a Measure of Peace Today

Today is one of those rare days that I have been able to find a measure of peace.  I’ve been able to just enjoy each moment without anxiety, (too much) pain, yearning, or sadness.  I was able to spend some quality time with one of my best friends and my kids last night.

Today, the sun is out, my kids are in good spirits, and I am able to slow down and be present in the moment.  These times are few and far between, and even less so lately.   So, I am grateful.  While this feeling lasts, I will relish it and let it nourish me.

The Night We Met

The Night We Met

I remember the night we met

It was as if we looked into each other’s eyes

And saw kindred spirits.

We spent hours together,

Laughing, talking, searching.

Lying on the floor, holding hands

Purity, in it’s truest form.

What I thought was a cherished memory

From a one night experience

Turned into more.

What happens next?

I love the band – Within Temptation. Here are the lyrics for one of their songs called “Pale”; which describes pretty well how I’ve been feeling lately….

“Pale”

The world seems not the same
Though I know nothing has changed
It’s all my state of mind
I can’t leave it all behind
I have to stand up to be stronger

I have to try
To break free
From the thoughts in my mind
Use the time that I have
I can say goodbye
Have to make it right
Have to fight
‘Cause I know in the end it’s worthwhile
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away
It will be all right

I know
I should realize
Time is precious
It is worthwhile
Despite how I feel inside
Have to trust it’ll be alright
Have to stand up to be stronger

Oh, this night is too long
Have no strength to go on
No more pain I’m floating away

Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, calls my name
I remember you’re the reason I have to stay

Life

Life

It seems to me

That in Life –

Every step forward

Means two steps back.

Every joy brings more sorrow.

Am I doing something wrong?

Or is this some sort of sick joke,

Brought on by a higher power

That I do not believe in?

 

To My Daughter

My Daughter,

You are an inspiration to me.  You have been through so much.  More than most adults will ever experience in their lives.  Yes, you have struggled.  WE have struggled, in our relationship to each other at times.  But you have never ceased to amaze me with your tenacity.  Your strength.  Your resiliency.

You are so wise.  Sometimes, I feel as if I am speaking to someone who has lived a hundred lives.  You are more intuitive and perceptive that most people I know.   I learn from you every single day.  You are my inspiration.

Because of you, I continue to strive to be a better person.  I continue to fight my own demons, continue my search to become a healthier person, better person – because of you.

I never want you to lose your strength.  Your passion.  Your sense of rightness and fairness.  You are an amazing child, and you are going to be an even more amazing woman.  You make me proud.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me – and I only hope that I can give you 1/2 as much as you have given me.

I love you.

Your Mom