So, I’ve been feeling pretty down and out lately.  I think a lot of it is that my body is just so exhausted from years of being in stressful and traumatic situations.  Now; things are settling down and my body is just turning to mush.  My anxiety had gotten to a point where I increased my meds to be able to get through J’s anniversary.  But now, I feel depressed.  No energy, no desire to to anything.  I still go to work, but my productivity is pretty shameful.  I still cook, and clean – enough to keep the house from being a total pig sty for more than a day… But that’s all I have folks.  I literally have nothing else right now.  I know that it is affecting my relationships with people I care about, my coworkers.. it just sucks.  So; thinking about going back down to my old dosage on my meds – and hoping that the anxiety doesn’t peak.  But, I just can’t handle this zombified/depressed feeling (I had increased them once before and I remember not truly liking the effects, but I couldn’t remember what it was).

However… I have to believe that I will get through this.  I mean, for fuck’s sake – I’ve survived horrible domestic violence and the suicide of my partner.  I’ve been through many, many struggles with my daughter, who also seems to be quite stable now.  Life is calm and as peaceful as it’s ever been. So why do I feel so crappy?

Anyway, a song by Cher came onto Pandora this morning that I thought was fitting for today.  I WILL work through this and get to the other side….

LYRICS:

 
You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But I’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

And, a link (hopefully)
 
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