Category: Healing


The Healing Hour

This is the healing hour.
In this moment, I am sure of it. I feel it.
I feel it in the moments when a smile creeps onto my lips.
I feel it when I turn my face to the sky, just to feel the warmth on my cheeks
I feel it when I look at my children and hear their laughter.
I feel it in my desire to better my life; my surroundings.
But most of all,
I feel it when I realize that I am ready to live again.
To love again, and to heal again.

One day at a time….

There are days when we just have to admit

That we tried as hard as we could,

but we didn’t win the battle this day.

Let it go.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new start,

Another chance to try again.

 

So, I’ve been feeling pretty down and out lately.  I think a lot of it is that my body is just so exhausted from years of being in stressful and traumatic situations.  Now; things are settling down and my body is just turning to mush.  My anxiety had gotten to a point where I increased my meds to be able to get through J’s anniversary.  But now, I feel depressed.  No energy, no desire to to anything.  I still go to work, but my productivity is pretty shameful.  I still cook, and clean – enough to keep the house from being a total pig sty for more than a day… But that’s all I have folks.  I literally have nothing else right now.  I know that it is affecting my relationships with people I care about, my coworkers.. it just sucks.  So; thinking about going back down to my old dosage on my meds – and hoping that the anxiety doesn’t peak.  But, I just can’t handle this zombified/depressed feeling (I had increased them once before and I remember not truly liking the effects, but I couldn’t remember what it was).

However… I have to believe that I will get through this.  I mean, for fuck’s sake – I’ve survived horrible domestic violence and the suicide of my partner.  I’ve been through many, many struggles with my daughter, who also seems to be quite stable now.  Life is calm and as peaceful as it’s ever been. So why do I feel so crappy?

Anyway, a song by Cher came onto Pandora this morning that I thought was fitting for today.  I WILL work through this and get to the other side….

LYRICS:

 
You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But I’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

And, a link (hopefully)
 

One Year Ago

One Year Ago

One year ago,

My life changed completely.

It took one single moment,

And I shattered into tiny little pieces.

I didn’t think that there was any coming back

From that one moment.

I thought,

There was no way that I could be made whole again.

A year later; everything is different;

And yet so much seems the same.

I’ve survived. 

Sometimes I’m happy about that.

Sometimes it seems too much to bear.

I still miss you.

I still dream about you.

I still have nightmares.

I still get angry at you.

I’m trying to move on;

But so much is still you.

Baby,

I want to move on.  I want my life back.

Help me, now,

A Year Later,

To find the way;

Back to myself

And to the future beyond.

Feeling a Measure of Peace Today

Today is one of those rare days that I have been able to find a measure of peace.  I’ve been able to just enjoy each moment without anxiety, (too much) pain, yearning, or sadness.  I was able to spend some quality time with one of my best friends and my kids last night.

Today, the sun is out, my kids are in good spirits, and I am able to slow down and be present in the moment.  These times are few and far between, and even less so lately.   So, I am grateful.  While this feeling lasts, I will relish it and let it nourish me.