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Stolen Moments

Stolen Moments

Precious stolen moments

Never forgotten

Kept locked in my heart

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So, I’ve been feeling pretty down and out lately.  I think a lot of it is that my body is just so exhausted from years of being in stressful and traumatic situations.  Now; things are settling down and my body is just turning to mush.  My anxiety had gotten to a point where I increased my meds to be able to get through J’s anniversary.  But now, I feel depressed.  No energy, no desire to to anything.  I still go to work, but my productivity is pretty shameful.  I still cook, and clean – enough to keep the house from being a total pig sty for more than a day… But that’s all I have folks.  I literally have nothing else right now.  I know that it is affecting my relationships with people I care about, my coworkers.. it just sucks.  So; thinking about going back down to my old dosage on my meds – and hoping that the anxiety doesn’t peak.  But, I just can’t handle this zombified/depressed feeling (I had increased them once before and I remember not truly liking the effects, but I couldn’t remember what it was).

However… I have to believe that I will get through this.  I mean, for fuck’s sake – I’ve survived horrible domestic violence and the suicide of my partner.  I’ve been through many, many struggles with my daughter, who also seems to be quite stable now.  Life is calm and as peaceful as it’s ever been. So why do I feel so crappy?

Anyway, a song by Cher came onto Pandora this morning that I thought was fitting for today.  I WILL work through this and get to the other side….

LYRICS:

 
You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me

Feeling broken
Barely holding on
But there’s just something so strong
Somewhere inside me
And I am down but I’ll get up again
Don’t count me out just yet

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

They can say that
I won’t stay around
But I’m gonna stand my ground
You’re not gonna stop me
You don’t know me
You don’t know who I am
Don’t count me out so fast

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

There will be no fade out
This is not the end
I’m down now
But I’ll be standing tall again
Times are hard but
I was built tough
I’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

I’ve been brought down to my knees
And I’ve been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I’ll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven’t seen the last of me

No no
I’m not going nowhere
I’m staying right here
Oh no
You won’t see me begging
I’m not taking my bow
Can’t stop me
It’s not the end
You haven’t seen the last of me
Oh no
You haven’t seen the last of me
You haven’t seen the last of me

And, a link (hopefully)
 

 

 

 

 

 

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
‘Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
 What am I leaving
 When I’m done here?
So if you’re asking me I want you to know
 When my time comes
 Forget the wrong that I’ve done
 Help me leave behind some Reasons to be missed
And don’t resent me
 And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I’ve made
I’m strong on the surface
 Not all the way through
 I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you’re asking me I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
 Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
 You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
And save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
Forgetting all the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well
Pretending someone else can come
 And save me from myself
 I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

 

My Blogging Experience

I just wanted to take a moment to talk about my blogging experience; and what it has meant to me.

I may not have a lot of followers; or get a huge amount of comments; but the ones I do – I appreciate SO much.  So; whether I say so or not – please know that you are important to me.

Of course, I hope that at some point; I may be able to touch someone with one of my posts.  Even one person; if it makes a difference to them, I would feel very accomplished.

But, I also gain so much in being able to put my thoughts out there – and to know that other people understand.  Even if they can’t relate to my exact experiences, I know there are people out there that can understand my pain.  That helps ME a lot.

Also; reading other’s blogs does so much for me.  It also helps me feel not so alone.  It helps me understand a little bit more about what my fiance was experiencing in his manic, depressed, paranoid moods.

When I read other’s poetry, it helps connect me to others that I may not know at all; but who share a common pain or purpose.

When I read of other’s grief; I know I am not alone – and I also hope that at some point, in some way – I will be able to help someone else through their pain, in even the smallest way.

This blogging experience has been amazingly helpful and healing to me.  I hope that I continue with this – and that at some point I can become more of a HELP for others, as they have done for me.

So; thank you all – for reading.  For sharing.  And for being you in this blogosphere.

Choices

Choices

 

We all have choices to make

Yours was to die.

I‘ve tried to understand,

To not be angry, or question your love.

I hope that you can also

Accept my choice

To Live.

I’ve talked a lot in my blog about how the suicide of my fiance as affected me.  But; I’ve not talked about my own struggles or feelings outside of that experience. 

There have been times in my life where I have wished, for fervently, for everything to just end.  Things seemed too much.  Too dismal.  I just simply did not want to “feel” anymore; and the absence of the pain I was feeling seemed like the ultimate goal; the ultimate escape.

When I was in high school; I tried overdosing on pills.  I ended up throwing them up, and I was fine.  I don’t know that this was a true suicide attempt.  I think I just wanted to dwell, for a moment,  in the fantasy of dying.  At various other times in my life; I have made really poor decisions, dangerous decisions; because I just simply did.not.care.  So what if I did something to end my life, inadvertently. 

When I was a cutter; I never did so with the goal of committing suicide.  But; there was once that I, again, was on the precipice; if it happened, I wouldn’t have cared.  I took a bunch of pain pills, and I cut my wrists.  I crawled into bed and fell asleep.  I thought, maybe I wouldn’t wake up and that would be ok.  Obviously, I did wake up and there was hell to pay after that.

After J died; I was really angry.  Not because he had committed suicide (at first).  But because he left me behind.  I wanted, so badly, to join him in nothingness. Why did he get to escape the pain, and I had to live through it?  I was also mad at myself.  I knew that if I had not run away the day he pulled the gun out and put it to his temple; that he would have killed both of us.  Why couldn’t I have just stayed?  He would have done the hard work for me; and I would no longer be in pain either.  I even told myself that it would have been for the best.  I was through ruining lives and fucking everything up.  Everyone would be better off if I had gone down with him.

From what I understand; the loved ones of someone who has committed suicide are at a very increased risk of committing suicide themselves.  Believe me; I spent a lot of time wishing that I had died along with him.  But; I also knew what it felt like to those left behind.  I knew the pain, very intimately, that they went through.  I knew the guilt, the despondency, the helpnessness and hopelessness.  And so, I also knew that I could nevver, no matter how bad I felt, do that to anyone I cared about.

That has gotten me through a lot of rough days in the past year.  Days when I really didn’t think I could hold on.  Days where I thought that the pain inside of me was too much to bear.  Days when I would have giving ANYTHING to stop feeling what I was feeling.  Moments when I thought that it would be better for everyone if I just dissappeared.

As bad as my pain is; I will endure it.  Because I NEVER want anyone to feel the pain that I have felt.  That is what gets me through the hardest, most painful days.  I think of my children; of my family; and of my beloved friends; who have stood by me all of this time – and I just can’t do it to them.  Not after I know the reality of what a suicide does to those left behind.  Regardless of the pain I feel, or the hardships I cause in life; none would compare to the pain I would cause if I decided to voluntarily leave this world.

 

One Year Ago

One Year Ago

One year ago,

My life changed completely.

It took one single moment,

And I shattered into tiny little pieces.

I didn’t think that there was any coming back

From that one moment.

I thought,

There was no way that I could be made whole again.

A year later; everything is different;

And yet so much seems the same.

I’ve survived. 

Sometimes I’m happy about that.

Sometimes it seems too much to bear.

I still miss you.

I still dream about you.

I still have nightmares.

I still get angry at you.

I’m trying to move on;

But so much is still you.

Baby,

I want to move on.  I want my life back.

Help me, now,

A Year Later,

To find the way;

Back to myself

And to the future beyond.

Feeling a Measure of Peace Today

Today is one of those rare days that I have been able to find a measure of peace.  I’ve been able to just enjoy each moment without anxiety, (too much) pain, yearning, or sadness.  I was able to spend some quality time with one of my best friends and my kids last night.

Today, the sun is out, my kids are in good spirits, and I am able to slow down and be present in the moment.  These times are few and far between, and even less so lately.   So, I am grateful.  While this feeling lasts, I will relish it and let it nourish me.

The Night We Met

The Night We Met

I remember the night we met

It was as if we looked into each other’s eyes

And saw kindred spirits.

We spent hours together,

Laughing, talking, searching.

Lying on the floor, holding hands

Purity, in it’s truest form.

What I thought was a cherished memory

From a one night experience

Turned into more.

What happens next?

I love the band – Within Temptation. Here are the lyrics for one of their songs called “Pale”; which describes pretty well how I’ve been feeling lately….

“Pale”

The world seems not the same
Though I know nothing has changed
It’s all my state of mind
I can’t leave it all behind
I have to stand up to be stronger

I have to try
To break free
From the thoughts in my mind
Use the time that I have
I can say goodbye
Have to make it right
Have to fight
‘Cause I know in the end it’s worthwhile
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away
It will be all right

I know
I should realize
Time is precious
It is worthwhile
Despite how I feel inside
Have to trust it’ll be alright
Have to stand up to be stronger

Oh, this night is too long
Have no strength to go on
No more pain I’m floating away

Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, calls my name
I remember you’re the reason I have to stay